Sunday, November 4, 2007

Rock and Rolling

Hello again siblings and other kin,
I wrote in my notes to the last posting, how I was feeling better after getting through a meeting I had been dreading. That was last week, and today we have to get through the next one I've been dreading, but my stomach isn't off the way it had been. Last week it was the church trustees meeting, and today our church meets to discuss financial challenges, etc.
At least I'm back to feeling just normally overwhelmed, but not in "Panic/Hide!" mode. At least the rock is rolling again. I have lots to do, and plenty to worry about, but at least I haven't had the constant, queasy feeling. And at least I haven't had the migraines and such that Bert reported in her last letter. I hope you have no more of them (same to Cathy, and anyone else who has migraines)!!
But I think all five (and more) of us recognize the "orphan feeling" that Eric Van Horn asked me about, when I called to tell him of Dad's death. Both his parents have been dead for a number of years, and he used that term to describe how he's felt since his mother died, Gene having died several years before, and his brother Roger later on. Bert referred to "the dark, cold gloomies and scaries with no Dad or Mom to go to". How Dad must have felt each time someone important to him, died?! We'll just have to take it from here (and I don't say that glibly, but grimly, with as much resolve as I can muster). I'm no PollyAnna, but I'll keep on trying.
Over the last 20 years, I gave so much of my time and energy to the Alfred S.D.B. church and Allegheny Association and the denomination (driving to West Virginia for Christian Social Action Committee meetings, going to General Conference), our Fire Department, Alfred Historical Society, Allegany County Historical Association, to Citizens for a Clean Environment (a local group of which I was president for a couple years), lots of other organizations, and quite a few individuals who needed help or wanted favors, that I wish I could have some of that time back. It's especially hitting me, now that my 50th birthday is approaching. That's been behind some of my "hide!" feeling, and I've been pleased to at least be showing some visible progress around our house, although not nearly enough, yet.
I still haven't been called to interview for the Facilities Manager at the Equestrian Center, but it's soon, yet. I have also put in applications at North Main Lumber, where Sean Phelan is now working. After so many years of working independently and struggling, at least now he has a salary and some benefits, and I hope he will do well. He gave so much of his life to keep nuclear waste out of Allegany County, that all residents should bow in his presence, but he gets much less respect than he deserves. He keeps much of it secret, because he's that way, and because, as he says, we might have to fight that same struggle all over again, and it would be foolish to give away any secrets. But I know enough to know that his keen thinking and determination accomplished things that would not have been done without him. On top of that, he cares deeply about the environment and our future, and is a good friend.
As soon as I get done with laying concrete block under the west porch, and do some more painting of trim and the roof, and insulate around the entryway, and set up the wood stove, and tune and sharpen the chainsaw and get some firewood cut and split, then I hope to settle in to organizing and re-organizing and remodeling the interior of our house. Then we have to figure out how to pay for repairing Jeanette's Subaru (>$2000.00) and replace the Blazer and augment Jeanette's salary. I see some light at the end of the tunnel, but hope it's not a train.
Michael and Audra spent a few days with us, for which we are grateful. Our busy schedules and a house-fire prevented our spending more time together, but they watched Ian while we went to our meeting, one evening, and they got some painting done that we hadn't, and we enjoyed several meals together. Michael and I went on a hike or two and a bike ride in "our" woods (the NY trails adjacent to our place), and it was all good.
I'll write more later, but better get busy. Lots to do, today!

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