Wednesday, January 3, 2007

torment? foment?

I didn't sleep too well last night and, one of the times I woke up, Mom was in the dream (not tormented or tormenting). She was in a red coat and coming into a stream of traffic where I caught up to her and joined her. As I tossed, I was thinking about Doug's comments about feeling inadequate. I guess that's something we've all felt, that is, all 7 of us in the Dave Clarke Seven. We know how much better we could be, we know how much more we could do. At the same time, we have all accomplished something in life, and are all-around rather good people. But we still feel inadequate somehow. It's that confidence walking into a room that, I think, affected how Mom felt about herself and how she dealt with some others. And, here, it's particular relationships I'm thinking of. I've been in the office too long already and must leave before the whatevers come to take me away, ha ha.

5 comments:

Doug said...

Dad had been having dreams about Mom a few weeks ago, too. He was waking thinking she was in bed with him, and I guess he was afraid he shouldn't be having such dreams. I told him I thought it was natural, since he was back in the house where he had longer history with Mom than Ethel (and more comfortable memories, I think), and was without companionship, otherwise. Thanks, Sherm, for your words of reassurance that we have all done good things.
Do you mean a confidence or lack thereof, that Mom had? For all her foibles, she trusted her ability to write and play or sing music and so on.......

shermaniac said...

Actually, I guess I was being a bit coy. It was partly in reaction to something you implied about her not feeling confident relative to the Bond girls. You're right that she loved singing and was confident there (though, sadly, I didn't especially enjoy it but I think it was partly choice of music and the training actually removed the natural voice and replaced it with something less attractive to me).

Doug said...

It kind of depended on what sort of day she was having and if she was manic or otherwise, but Mom was confident in an insular sort of way, and had a confidence based on her ancestors' accomplishments at some levels, I think. I have similar feelings....
Mom annoyed me by saying things I thought were obvious -- re-stating the obvious -- but I realize (probably more now than when she was still alive) that she was being the "authority" on things she knew something about, and I think it was one of her few pleasures. I know others who do the same.
I agree that the voice training she took was not what I would have chosen, but I respected that she was doing it and tried to share it with people.
I know I felt like an outsider with the Bond girls and their kids, and still do to some extent, but it was something they (Nell and Ahv, at least) talked about explicitly in their round-robins, but now that we're talking about it, I don't remember Mom actually saying she felt inadequate relative to them. We may have talked about it near the end of her life, but I'm not certain right now.

shermaniac said...

I may be injecting some of the Nell/Ahvy comments and I think I remember Dad talking about it sometime after Mom died. Dad and I also talked about how HIS discomfort with the Bond husbands was the "dependence" on glasses of whiskey to lubricate the sociality. It just wasn't his social scene. Perhaps it was the obvious comfort level that made Mom or Dad, or you or me, uncomfortable or feeling a bit like a clumsy doofus. When Uncle Bill said "how are you?", "fine" was not in the realm of answers. You wanted your response to be profound. Or, rather, I guess I wanted my response to be profound.

Doug said...

Just like when I said that Stan Butts' candor was refreshing, I liked Bill's questions. I'm the sort who really tries to answer "how are you?" and most people don't really want an answer. I still miss Bill, and now Stan, too......